The gift that keeps on giving

Damien Cox is on vacation until September 3rd, which means that Simmons will have to carry this site on his back for the next two weeks. Lucky for us, he can't open his mouth or pick up a pen without making at least one asinine assertion with no basis in reality.

Today we bring you Simmons' thumps-down from this week's episode of the Reporters:

My thumb is down to Prince Fielder of the Milwaukee Brewers and Roger Clemens of the New York Yankees. Two players who frankly should know better. Fielder, who might be the MVP in the National League this year, gets suspended for three games this year, gets suspended for three games with his team in first place.

He has appealed and will not serve the suspension until the appeal is heard.

Well guess what? They are not in first place anymore because Fielder was arguing balls and strikes.

Jesus. You really have no clue. The fact that the Brewers are no longer in first place has nothing to do with Fielder's suspension, because he has yet to miss a game. Do you even watch baseball? The Brewers are no longer in first place because their pitching rotation has struggled, some key players are injured, they played over their heads for the first half of the season, and the Cubs have played better after a slow start.

Clemens, in the middle of a pennant race, puts the ball in the back of Alex Rios of the Blue Jays. He winds up out for five days, which means missing one start. Well guess what? In that start for the Yankees they were beaten 12-0. These guys need to be in the lineups for their teams for their teams to be in the playoffs.

The Yankees lost 12-0. That means they scored no runs. Unless Clemens was planning on hitting a few dingers, I don't think he could have helped.

The Reporters - I'd rather be in church

What I learned today on TSN's the Reporters:

• Barry Bonds has struggled this year (Hodge)
  
  
• Barry Bonds clogs up the base paths (Simmons)
  
  
• Barry Bonds will DH for the Yankees next year because he will fit right in with the Bronx Zoo atmosphere(Cox)

What I learned today by having a minimal knowledge of baseball stats and an internet connection:

• Barry Bonds' 2007 OPS (On Base Percentage plus slugging, an imperfect but generally relied upon stat for judging a hitter's abilities) is 1.088. That is best in the MLB. In fact, it is just shy of being one of the top 100 seasons of all time.
  
  
• Barry Bonds' 2007 On Base Percentage is .497, which means that he gets on base once out of every two times he comes to bat. Unfortunately, Barry then crawls to second and rolls on his back to third. As a result, being very good at one of the most important parts of baseball means nothing because Bengie Molina keeps getting called out for passing Bonds on the basepaths. Somehow, Barry leads his team in runs scored and is 4th in stolen bases.
  
  
• The last time I looked, the Yankees had four DHs (Damn, Abreau, Giambi, Duncan), with Hideki Matsui also making a strong-case for inclusion. With the exception of Abreau and Duncan (who can't field at any position), all of them are under contract with the Yankees next season. Johnny Damon has already complained about playing time, and Jason Giambi will if he can find time in between fittings for larger hats and public apologies for things-he-did-but-can't-say.
  
  If you asked my mom who Barry Bonds will play for next year, she would probably say the Yankees. That is because my mother knows little about baseball and would assume that a star player with a bad attitude, plenty of baggage, and a hefty salary would fit right in in the Bronx. But then she would realize that the Bronx Zoo hasn't existed for decades, Brian Cashman is trying to build a younger and more affordable team, and Joe Torre would rather manage a team of Gary Sheffields than have Bonds in the clubhouse, and she would change her mind. Because my mom, who knows little about baseball, still knows more about baseball than people employed to write about sports at the Toronto Star, the Sun, and TSN.