The gift that keeps on giving

Damien Cox is on vacation until September 3rd, which means that Simmons will have to carry this site on his back for the next two weeks. Lucky for us, he can't open his mouth or pick up a pen without making at least one asinine assertion with no basis in reality.

Today we bring you Simmons' thumps-down from this week's episode of the Reporters:

My thumb is down to Prince Fielder of the Milwaukee Brewers and Roger Clemens of the New York Yankees. Two players who frankly should know better. Fielder, who might be the MVP in the National League this year, gets suspended for three games this year, gets suspended for three games with his team in first place.

He has appealed and will not serve the suspension until the appeal is heard.

Well guess what? They are not in first place anymore because Fielder was arguing balls and strikes.

Jesus. You really have no clue. The fact that the Brewers are no longer in first place has nothing to do with Fielder's suspension, because he has yet to miss a game. Do you even watch baseball? The Brewers are no longer in first place because their pitching rotation has struggled, some key players are injured, they played over their heads for the first half of the season, and the Cubs have played better after a slow start.

Clemens, in the middle of a pennant race, puts the ball in the back of Alex Rios of the Blue Jays. He winds up out for five days, which means missing one start. Well guess what? In that start for the Yankees they were beaten 12-0. These guys need to be in the lineups for their teams for their teams to be in the playoffs.

The Yankees lost 12-0. That means they scored no runs. Unless Clemens was planning on hitting a few dingers, I don't think he could have helped.

Simmons Says: Don't let the facts get in the way of a bad column

This oughtta be fun:

Not hard to figure why the Blue Jays are so middle-of-the- road. The club is 14th in batting, 17th in runs scored, 22nd in earned run average ...

I think Steve Simmons makes an enormous mistake here, which should result in him never being allowed to write about baseball ever again. In order to fully expose the true idiocy of this mistake, I must first acknowledge that Simmons is kind of right about two of the stats he cited.

By my calculations (and by my calculations, I mean their calculations), The Blue Jays are actually 19th in runs scored, but both his numbers and mine are close enough for jazz, so this one gets a pass. I don't know what Simmons means by "batting", but pretty much all of their team offensive numbers are average to just below average, so it would be safe to call the Blue Jays "batting" middle of the road.

Now we get to the good stuff. The Blue Jays team ERA is 4.01, which is good for third in the American League behind Oakland and Boston. It would also be good for third in the NL behind San Diego and the Mets. As a result, the Blue Jays have the fifth best ERA in all of baseball (using the Blue Jays' ERA+, which accounts for differences in ballparks, the Blue Jays actually move up to fourth).

So, Simmons is just about as completely wrong as can be about this one. But how could he ever come to the conclusion that the Blue Jays have the 22nd best ERA in baseball? There is only one - very illogical - explanation: There are three teams within seven percentage points of the Blue Jays (Dodgers, Diamonbacks, Giants), meaning it is possible that those teams had a better ERA than the Blue Jays within the last week. If so, the Blue Jays might have had the 8th best ERA of all 30 Major League Baseball teams when Simmons looked at the stats. Or, if you rather, the 22nd worst ERA.

Is it too much of a stretch to imagine that Steve-O doesn't know that a high ERA is "good" and a low ERA is "bad".

... J.P. Ricciardi isn't afraid to make the big move, just not necessarily the right move. He didn't care for Kelvim Escobar, but loved A.J. Burnett. Escobar is the better pitcher.

Kelvim Escobar career:
W-L: 96-89
WHIP: 1.368
ERA: 4.09
ERA+: 113
K/season: 144

A.J. Burnett career:
W-L: 66-64
WHIP: 1.280
ERA: 3.79
ERA+: 112
K/Season: 197

Those numbers are pretty equal. I like Burnett's WHIP and strike out rate better, but he compiled a lot of those numbers in the weaker NL. Burnett has spent a lot of time on the DL, and Escobar has been great since he left Toronto. So...Simmons is probably right about this one.

Did I just type that? I'm sure there is a reason why he is wrong...because he is usually wrong...so let me root around here for a second...um...here we go: Escobar signed a three-year deal with the Angels in 2003 for nearly $7 million per season. Even though the Blue Jays were in the second year of J.P's Five Year Plan (Richard Griffin, TM) - which involved cost-cutting, identifying under-valued players, and the forced collectivization of farmland north of Toronto - the team did make a competitive offer for Escobar, but he chose to sign with the Angels. Three years later, Uncle Ted opened up the bank and the Blue Jays were able to sign Burnett, who was the best pitcher available and was/is still young with a tremendous upside. The point being, this wasn't an either/or proposition between Escobar and Burnett, and making it seem like it was is unfair and dishonest.

So Simmons is wrong. And he will be wrong again.

He didn't care much for Orlando Hudson or Miguel Batista and traded them from Troy Glaus. Hudson, a defensive whiz, has more RBIs than Glaus, who has a bad back.

Told you he would be wrong again.

RBIs are probably the most meaningless stat when it comes to judging how good a player is, because they really depend on how good the people hitting in front of you are at getting on base. OPS, on the other hand, tells you how good a player is at hitting for power and getting on base himself, which are really important things in baseball.

Orlando Hudson
Age: 29
Career OPS: .773
2007 OPS: .817 (Career season)

Troy Glaus
Age: 30
Career OPS: .856
2007 OPS: .798 (Hobbled by injury)

Hudson is having a good season, and Glaus is having a poor season by his standards. They are about the same age, and unless Glaus' injuries do lasting damage, I would expect next years numbers to revert back to career norms for both players.

Ignoring stats for a minute, it is worth noting that Simmons does the same thing here that he did in his Escobar v Burnett argument: namely, refusing to provide any context in his criticism of Ricciardi. The Blue Jays needed a slugging third baseman and had a young second baseman (Aaron Hill) who was ready for the big show. As a result, Hudson was expendable. The Hudson and Bautista for Glaus trade is probably the best deal J.P. has made since becoming General Secretary of the Toronto Blue Jays politburo. No only did he add one of the best-hitting third basemen in the major leagues, he managed to dump Miguel Batista, who is not very good.

Batista has 13 wins for a Seattle team fighting for a playofff spot ...

First RBIs, now wins. It looks like Steve-O is angling for Murray Chass's job.

Miguel Batista can throw 863 different pitches, none of them for strikes, and gets paid more than $8 million per season. Batista has won 13 games this year, even though his peripherals suggest he isn't pitching nearly that well (86:51 K:BB, 1.50 WHIP, 6.0 K/9, 3.6 BB/9). Miguel Batista personifies a Seattle team that is inexplicably in the hunt for a playoff position, even though they don't hit well and their starting pitching is terrible (including Bautisita). The Seattle bullpen is lights out, and as a result they have an incredible record in close games. I have been waiting all year for Seattle to fall apart, and it is looking like it isn't going to happen.

Mark my words: If Jeff Weaver wins another World Series this year, I will stop watching baseball forever.

Have to admit I'm cheering for Milwaukee Brewers to hang on in the National League. Canadian Doug Melvin is the general manager, his assistant is the York U grad Gord Ash, and the first baseman, Prince Fielder, was born in Toronto ...

Steve Simmons likes Gord Ash more than he likes J.P. Ricciardi, which is why he is "rooting" for him, rather than pointing out that the Scott Linebrink for Joe Thatcher, Steve Garrison and Will Inman trade is much worse than anything Ricciardi has done since he arrived in Toronto

Also cheering for the Phillies in the wild-card race. I confess: Still a big Pat Gillick admirer ...

He also likes Pat Gillick more than he likes J.P. Ricciardi, which is why he doesn't mention that Bobby Abreau and Corey Lidle for C.J. Henry and Matt Smith trade from last year.

Just how valuable is Barry Bonds? The Giants are 3-12 in games in which he has hit home runs this season.

With 9 no-decisions, apparently, because Barry has hit home runs in 24 games this year.

For the sake of argument, we'll assume Simmons numbers are correct (which they aren't). The reason why the Giants are 3-12 in those games is because the Giants suck. Twelve times Barry did the best possible thing you can do in baseball, and twelve times his team did not win. Is that Barry's fault? Barry should make sure to only hit home runs in games that the Giants win.

We should also remove all of the home runs that Barry hit in a losing effort from the record books, since they were pretty much meaningless. It would take a long time to calculate the actual number of dingers that Barry hit in a game in which his team lost, so I will just use the 4 out of 5 ratio that Simmons provided for this season (which is incorrect). Let me get my calculator here...and...lets see...a staggering 608 of Barry's home runs came in games when his team lost. That means that he has only hit 152 career home runs, steroids don't work, Hank Aaron is still home run champ, and everyone is happy.

But to answer Simmons question, here is how valuable Barry Bonds is: If I managed a team of players named Barry Bonds, I would probably win 150 games. My team would score around 2500 runs on the season, and the fact that Barry Bonds was pitching wouldn't matter because we could give up 12 or 13 runs a game and still win most of the time. The highlight of my year would be when my team of Barry Bondses played Simmons' team of Josh Towerses and we won 94-0.

Simmons doesn't know anything about baseball. This isn't even fun, and I should probably stop now (but I won't). How can someone have a regular syndicated column and get away with this stuff. Just to recap:

1. He doesn't know that a low ERA is a good thing
2. All trades and signings are made in a vacuum
3. RBIs are the best stat for judging a hitter
4. Wins are the best stat for judging a pitcher
5. Gord Ash and Pat Gillick are good guys, J.P. Ricciardi is not
6. Barry Bonds is not valuable (according to some stat that Simmons pulled out of his ass)

I can't wait for next Sunday.

Simmons Says: touch the back of your throat with your index finger

In 1965, well past deadline and struggling to finish an article for Esquire magazine, Tom Wolfe transcribed the contents of his notebook with disregard for style and structure. In the process, he produced a classic of fly-on-the-wall reporting and helped create an entirely new form of literature known as New Journalism.

Every week, Steve Simmons dumps the inane jottings from his diary into microsoft word, and the Sun publishes them in a column called Simmons Says. I know comparing The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby to Simmons' ramblings is like comparing apples to oranges, but for the record I would like to state that Wolfe's orange is massive, seedless ball of exquisite flavour that wards off colds and cures cancer, while Simmons' apple is so withered and nasty that even worms won't touch it.

Today, Simmons informs us that:

What Josh Towers lacks in arm strength, he makes up for in stones. If more Blue Jays had his fight, this team wouldn't be languishing in the middle of all of baseball ...

Steve Simmons is correct. If more Blue Jays were like Josh Towers, they wouldn't be languishing in the middle of all baseball. They would have a team ERA of 5.36 and have a winning % of .357. They would be in last place.

Numbers that don't add up: Bonds has had 12 100-RBI seasons. Aaron had 11. The great smiling phony, Joe Carter, had 10

Joe Carter had a decent career and played a large role in bringing two World Series to Toronto. Steve Simmons doesn't like him on a personal level, so he trashes him in a newspaper column. Simmons probably thought that was a quick and biting remark that would make Truman Capote jealous. Everyone else probably thinks Simmons is petty and childish and sounds like the kind of jerk who would start a blog just to trash the sports and media personalities that he doesn't like...

I see where the Pittsburgh Penguins signed defenceman Mike Weaver. Apparently, Earnie Shavers, Ron Lyle and Tim Witherspoon were unavailable ...

FYI, that is a boxing joke. Except jokes are supposed to be funny...At least we finally got a hockey reference in here, since this blog is supposed to be about Toronto Maple Leafs hockey and the cartel of idiots that write about it, and not some second-rate version of Fire Joe Morgan (which does what this blog attempts to do, only first, funnier, and mostly about baseball)

Little known fact: Joe Torre played the first eight seasons of his big-league career with Aaron in Milwaukee and Atlanta ...

...A lot of people know that Joe Torre started his career in Milwaukee, and everyone knows Aaron played for the Braves. I would wager that most hardcore baseball fans know this, as does everyone in Joe Torre's family, everyone who read his autobiography, Hank Aaron, me, people who heard Joe Torre's comments regarding Bonds' 756th home run, and anyone who read the New York Times on Wednesday. By my calculations, 64.7 million people know of this little-known fact, making it, in fact, a well-known fact... An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain - now that is a little known fact. It is legal to duel in Portugal as long as both duelers are registered blood donors - little known fact. A snail can sleep for three years...

...And hey, whatever became of Turner Ward?

I know I know! Turner Ward retired as a player in 2001, is now a manager in the New York-Penn league, and he still gets asked all the time about that catch he made when he crashed through the wall in 1998. It took me three seconds to find that out on Google. Simmons ends every Sunday column with this "hey, whatever happened to," bit, and I'm not sure if this is a fun game for his readers or if he is just too lazy to do research for himself, but either way, the whole thing strikes me as rude: "My god, that Turner Ward sure disappeared into a lifetime of insignificance because I haven't heard about him in years and now I can stick him in my column with a wink-wink and a nudge-nudge and feel superior because I am Steve Simmons, the most-read sports columnist in Canada."

Dick.

Turner Ward seems like a nice guy, with a family and a job doing what he loves. I'm sure the fact that you don't know what happened to him after his name disappeared from the Blue Jays Media Guide means little to him.

That part about Simmons being the most read sports columnist in Canada is actually true, according to TSN. I'm sure this says more about the number of Sun papers in Canada than it does about the tastes of the Canadian public, but it is still mind-boggling. If there was any justice in this country, Stephen Brunt would have that title. Stephen Brunt writes thoughtful and detailed columns about a wide range of sports events and issues. Simmons writes stuff like this:

Just re-read the bestseller Moneyball, a book that doesn't age very well. The very premise that computers can pick ball players better than scouts becomes almost laughable upon further review ...

That quote comes from a column that Simmons wrote in December 2005. I saved it just in case I ever found a public forum to announce that those two sentences are easily the stupidest lines every written in the history of the English language. According to Simmons, he just re-read Moneyball. That means he read it at least twice. That means he has the reading comprehension of a three year old, because nowhere in that book does it say that computers can pick ball players better than scouts. Nowhere.

And hey, whatever happened to Al Strachan?

The Reporters - I'd rather be in church

What I learned today on TSN's the Reporters:

• Barry Bonds has struggled this year (Hodge)
  
  
• Barry Bonds clogs up the base paths (Simmons)
  
  
• Barry Bonds will DH for the Yankees next year because he will fit right in with the Bronx Zoo atmosphere(Cox)

What I learned today by having a minimal knowledge of baseball stats and an internet connection:

• Barry Bonds' 2007 OPS (On Base Percentage plus slugging, an imperfect but generally relied upon stat for judging a hitter's abilities) is 1.088. That is best in the MLB. In fact, it is just shy of being one of the top 100 seasons of all time.
  
  
• Barry Bonds' 2007 On Base Percentage is .497, which means that he gets on base once out of every two times he comes to bat. Unfortunately, Barry then crawls to second and rolls on his back to third. As a result, being very good at one of the most important parts of baseball means nothing because Bengie Molina keeps getting called out for passing Bonds on the basepaths. Somehow, Barry leads his team in runs scored and is 4th in stolen bases.
  
  
• The last time I looked, the Yankees had four DHs (Damn, Abreau, Giambi, Duncan), with Hideki Matsui also making a strong-case for inclusion. With the exception of Abreau and Duncan (who can't field at any position), all of them are under contract with the Yankees next season. Johnny Damon has already complained about playing time, and Jason Giambi will if he can find time in between fittings for larger hats and public apologies for things-he-did-but-can't-say.
  
  If you asked my mom who Barry Bonds will play for next year, she would probably say the Yankees. That is because my mother knows little about baseball and would assume that a star player with a bad attitude, plenty of baggage, and a hefty salary would fit right in in the Bronx. But then she would realize that the Bronx Zoo hasn't existed for decades, Brian Cashman is trying to build a younger and more affordable team, and Joe Torre would rather manage a team of Gary Sheffields than have Bonds in the clubhouse, and she would change her mind. Because my mom, who knows little about baseball, still knows more about baseball than people employed to write about sports at the Toronto Star, the Sun, and TSN.